On the outside, I was always  seemingly and precedingly happy. I was the loudest, the happiest at the parties. I was brave, and fast and furious. I had many friends, from different walks of life. I was able to deal with anything that life had to offer, in a loud and (very) direct way. My system did not know any boundaries, I was unstoppable. But, my power and fearlessness was fueled by substance abuse. All of my relationships took a lot of energy for me to expose myself, to interact and to be that person, fearless and unstoppable. But at home, my mind would play games. All my interactions had a story in my mind, a story that was triggered by my insecurities, projections and low self-esteem. Why did she/he say this, why he/she did or did not this or that, and most importantly a constant question of what is wrong with me. That spiral was endless, and inside I felt alone longing for something, (read: real connection) unknown to me. My feet were always cold, my hands were always cold, I was systematically always in a freeze mode because I perceived connections and relationships a real danger for my system. The reality (unknown to me at the time) was that I was afraid to be close to people, so an apprehension with loudness was my defensive mechanism. My failure to achieve good connection would take me to obtain regulation from the outside, hence emotional unsustainability.

Relationships in my family were disorganized. Closeness, warm fulfilling hugs, and expression of love was not present most of the time. Of course we love each other at some level, but none of us knew how to feel that love nevertheless express it or share, give and enjoy. Authenticity and warmth was an alien to our circle of love. My heart was closed, compassion was a distant fairy tale story, a story that would bring untrust into the world and even fear for my system.

Today (after many years of therapy) I am aware, I feel my inner story. I am able to allow myself to feel, and fearlessly express my feelings within the awareness of the boundaries of my own and other’s possibilities. I do not need loudness to be heard. I am still building a gentle hearing, it takes a fine tuning in to enable my system to hear gentle expression, to feel the particulars of the warm energetic components, to trust. The scar will still need some time to heal, but I feel the feelings which gives me an opportunity to tap into the gentle and authentic (now I am learning it is my core) essence of existence. My relationships are now built on trust, expression and sensibility. Tears of happiness, compassion and warm hugs is now my new norm. My new found love for myself and people keeps growing within me.