We spend so much of our lives trying to become better versions of ourselves. But what about the parts of ourselves we left behind?
Imagine a little girl who loves to dance.
She dances everywhere. In the kitchen, in the supermarket, in front of visitors. She sings loudly, asks endless questions and has an opinion about absolutely everything.
One afternoon, someone tells her she’s showing off.
Everyone laughs.
She stops dancing.
Nothing particularly dramatic has happened. Nobody intended to hurt her. By the following morning, the adults have probably forgotten the entire incident.
But what if she hasn’t?
What if she begins to notice that she’s more accepted when she’s quiet? That expressing herself sometimes attracts criticism, while being agreeable brings approval?
Slowly, she learns which parts of herself are welcome and which are better kept hidden.
Of course, one uncomfortable moment doesn’t determine someone’s personality. But repeated experiences of acceptance, criticism or emotional disconnection can influence how we learn to relate to ourselves.
Fast-forward thirty years
That little girl is now a successful woman.
She’s intelligent, responsible and perfectly capable of making decisions at work.
Yet she struggles to express an opinion when someone disagrees with her.
She admires confident women but secretly finds them intimidating.
She wants to try dancing again, but the thought of walking into a class makes her uncomfortable.
And when someone asks her what she really wants, she often doesn’t know.
Interestingly, she doesn’t remember deciding to become this way.
She simply knows the person she has learned to be.
The parts of ourselves we leave behind
Our sense of self develops through relationships.
As children, we discover who we are partly through the responses we receive from the people around us.
When our feelings, curiosity and individuality are welcomed, we have opportunities to develop confidence in expressing ourselves.
When certain emotions or behaviours repeatedly threaten our sense of connection, we may learn to hide them.
Perhaps anger wasn’t acceptable in your family.
Perhaps crying made someone uncomfortable.
Or perhaps you received plenty of praise for your achievements but very little attention when you simply needed comfort.
Over time, you may have become exceptionally capable, independent or accommodating.
These qualities aren’t necessarily problems. But what happens when being strong means never asking for help? Or when being kind means never expressing anger?
Sometimes, personal growth isn't about becoming someone new. It's about discovering what we've stopped allowing ourselves to be.
Why understanding isn't always enough
You might recognise these experiences immediately.
You understand that you’re allowed to disagree. You know there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.
Yet when the moment arrives, something changes.
Your voice becomes quieter. You laugh off a comment that hurt you. You find yourself agreeing before you’ve even considered what you want.
This is where body-oriented psychotherapy offers another way of exploring our experiences.
Rather than focusing exclusively on thoughts, we can become curious about our emotions, physical responses and what happens between us in relationships.
What is it like to express disagreement while someone is listening?
Can you recognise anger without immediately dismissing it?
What happens when you allow yourself to be seen without trying to impress anyone?
These questions can be explored gently, without forcing painful memories or expecting immediate answers.
Perhaps the question is different
We often approach personal development by asking what we need to improve.
How can I become more confident?
How can I stop being so sensitive?
How can I become more independent?
But perhaps another question deserves our attention.
Who might I be if I didn't have to work so hard to be accepted?
Not every part of ourselves needs changing.
Some parts may simply need the opportunity to be recognised, understood and expressed.
And perhaps that is where a different kind of personal growth begins.
Kristina Golub-Fabris
IAHIP Accredited Psychotherapist
Integral & Relational Body Psychotherapy
Trauma-Informed | Early Development
Dublin & Online
www.integralpsychotherapy.ie